snowpocalypse 2010

indy is supposed to get 3-7″ of snow tomorrow

i just WISH it was this time NEXT week so my school would get cancelled!

student teaching in … very few days.
and i got a snuggie.
life is pretty good

in which i fill out the same survey from last year.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Be an aquatics director.  Appreciate the early morning hours before the sun rises.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No not really.  I still know squat about wine, and I don’t really think I dressed all that much better.  Actually- maybe I did dress better on a more consistent basis.  Maybe it wasn’t that bad after all.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Libby had another son Luke.  Adorable.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Nope!

5. What countries did you visit?

Spain!  In August.  Wonderful trip but I did learn that I HATE FLYING.  I used to be a plane-only long-distance girlfriend… used to love to fly.  I don’t know how or why I’ve regressed.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A ring – HA!

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Most of the summer, but 4th of July I will never forget because we had a parade at camp and it was so fun!  I will never forget my first staff week and my first Week 1.  I don’t know how I survived those weeks.  I will never forget how supremely happy I was.

I also won’t forget Valentine’s Day 2009, because it was a wonderful day spent with friends, and then I learned a bitter lesson when I didn’t get voted crescent girl.  Formal was a big fail but I am better because of it.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having a successful summer at the waterfront, and finally realizing the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.  Surviving fall semester.  Getting a B- in my poetry class.  Lots of achievements, really

9. What was your biggest failure?

Breaking up with Michael was definitely the worst thing I did.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I fell off the dock and hit my hoo-ha.  That SUCKED.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My Desigual coat in Barcelona has got to be one of my favorites.  My Betsey Johnson formal shoes!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Michael’s… through and through and through.  If I could be half as loving and forgiving as he, then maybe I might deserve him.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Oh an education professor who absolutely attacked my character for the entire semester!  What an old crotch!

14. Where did most of your money go?

Clothes….

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Formal last year!  Christmas!  Moving in!  The summer!  Boy scouts!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Live Your Life by T. I.  I probably said this last year too.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:?

a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? fatter, probably.  But I’m happy with it.
c) richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I’d not gotten senioritis and slacked off last semester.  My grades were okay but I caused myself so much more stress.

I kinda wish I’d partied/gone out to bars a little more.  Homegirl needs a little more fun in her life while she still can!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Wasting time with that loser from the summer!  Must have been the heat and humidity that clouded my judgment.  Ah well, what are ya gonna do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Lovely Christmas, this year.  At home with my santy paws pup and my mom, dad, and little bro.  I made my brother a great blanket out of a ton of Scouting t-shirts and wonderful Norman Rockwell Scout illustrations on quilting fabric.  I’m proud of that.  I’m proud of him.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Well, Michael and I took a little break while he was in Spain/Kentucky over the summer for 2 months, but I never fell OUT of love with him.  Even so I suppose it’s possible to keep falling in love every day anyway… yes.  I fell all in love all over again with Michael James.

ALSO WITH MY DOG… Dang that little furry rat stole my heart.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Criminal Minds, hands down.  Bought all 4 seasons on DVD for myself for my 22nd birthday.  Best present ever.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don’t hate anyone, but there are definitely friends I had last year that I don’t have now!  It was kind of hard to lose them but they were sucking my soul out of me.  They were not good friends.

24. What was the best book you read?

Thanks to a required young-adolescent-literature class I had to take… I discovered the Narnia series!  Fell.  In.  Love.  I get it now.  I’m not even religious.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Oh poop.  I’ve been terrible about music.  Oh… this is a good one.  Vitamin String Quartet.  Seriously, look ‘em up on itunes.  FanTASTIC!

26. What did you want and get?

Lots of material things like a new PFD, expensive coffee grinder, postage-stamp-sized apartment… trip to Barcelona.  A successful summer.  My big cuttlefish.  LOTS OF THINGS!

27. What did you want and not get?

A ring le sigh.  Crescent Girl (doesn’t even matter anymore )

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I generally don’t watch a lot of movies, but I really enjoyed UP and Star Trek.  Loser much?  :)

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 22!  Michael planned a big surprise day for me that included a trip to the pumpkin patch with the puppydog, a little geocaching, and a big dinner at St. Elmo’s (one of the fanciest restaurants in Indianapolis!)!  He got me Colts tickets for my birthday too

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Oh goodness gracious I’d rather not think about it.  Hahah  Perhaps having a kitchen bigger than the size of a foyer closet??? Hahah

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

“Alright, let’s think “teacher”.  Does this show my boobs?  It’s out.  Am I going to freeze to death in this?  Out.  These shoes aren’t flat enough.  Out.  Great.  Now I look like one of the wives on Big Love.”

32. What kept you sane?

My pup.  Definitely!

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

… I really can’t think of ANY.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Perhaps the decision to end the war… and the fact that there’s a plan to do so.  As a future army wife, it’s kind of a big deal to me.

35. Who did you miss?

36. Who was the best new person you met?

My coworker Betsy  I LOVE HER

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Even though you drive a PT Cruiser, parking garages are still too small and you have to be extra conscious of the 90-degree turns, lest you sideswipe your poor Cruiser on a pylon.

Can’t depend on anyone else for your success… it’s all in your own hands.

Sometimes you just have to get your butt in a canoe and paddle out on the lake in order to make the world make sense.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd / You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd / You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd / But you can be happy if you’ve a mind to / All you gotta do is put your mind to it / Knuckle down, buckle down, and do it do it do it”  By Roger Miller.

merry & bright.

one year ago jake the wonderdog died.  christmas night, 2008.  the week leading up to christmas i was paralyzed with grief… he spent one entire week in the doggie ICU, getting better, then worse.  better, then worse.  christmas night we had to let him go.

it was surreal.  my life was literally in a standstill for an entire week.  i was finishing up my finals and got the call from my brother that jake had been hit – i literally threw down my books and papers onto the floor and left.  i didn’t come back for an entire two weeks – i didn’t ever finish that final.  i got a c in the class because i never wrote the final paper.  when i came back i had stepped back in time – stepped back two weeks ago to the exact moment i got the call.  dirty dishes still in the sink, books open right where i left them.  surreal.

sometimes things are just more important than finals.  jake passed away and finally i could breathe – finally i could move – finally i could find peace.  he didn’t hurt anymore.  he was a wonderful friend, pup, and comrade for the year he was in my life.  he flew in and out like a little tornado, breaking my heart into a thousand pieces in the process.  he showed me how to love absolutely unconditionally, to give of myself, and to NEVER judge a book by its cover.  he wriggled his way into my heart and i miss him every day.  i wish he could have met cash.  the two of them are kindred spirits, would’ve been incredibly puppy friends.

we miss you, jakers.

sometime 2007 – december 25, 2008.

2009.

I started this blog on new year’s last year.  I’ve gotten one comment, I’m sure no one reads it, and I haven’t written on it nearly as much as I had wanted.  I ran across this list on one of my blog muses, emily rose, so I felt it appropriate

In 2009, I gained independence, perspective, confidence, love.
I lost “friends” that sucked my soul.  Au revoir!
I stopped punishing myself for every bite I put in my mouth.
I started running and walking on the canal every day.
I was hugely satisfied by moving downtown, surprisingly!
And frustrated by how hard Butler is making it to finish my degree.
I am so embarrassed that I sideswiped my car on a pylon in a parking garage!  Poor PT!  Runner up:  fell off the dock in St. Louis and hit the dock crotch-first.  OW.
Once again, I agreed to way too many weekly shifts at work.
Once again,
The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is that I weigh about 10-15 pounds more (I don’t own a scale … for good reason).
The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is that I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT I WEIGH MORE!  If Michael’s happy, I’m happy.  Unfettered.  The end.
I loved spending time at Lambda…
Why did I spend even two minutes with that pathological liar????
I should have spent more time with my brother… but, we’ve started hanging out more.
I regret buying most of the education textbooks I was “required” to buy and never cracked.  I AM A SENIOR I SHOULD KNOW BETTER.
I will never regret buying a plane ticket to Barcelona even though with that money I could have bought food, bills… HA.
I cried at country songs way too much.
I didn’t enough.
A certain Butler College of Education professor drove me crazy.
Were Lambda PARTIES crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?
The most relaxing place I went was the breakwater on Lake Monroe.
I feel so balanced when I write that down.
Why did I go to formal??? I set myself up for that one.
The best thing I did for someone else was become Aquatics Director at Ransburg Scout Reservation, tirelessly working to provide the best possible aquatics experience for the 4000 Scouts that came to the camp during the summer.
The best thing I did for myself was to learn to appreciate what I have… learning to love myself.  I’m 22 and just figured it out.
The best thing someone did for me was … join my aquatics staff…. not revolt on me…. prop me up and support me while I allowed every little thing to bother me.
The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is make a new friend.

At the start of this year I started this blog, with the intent to learn more about wine, and to dress better during the year.  I NEVER LEARNED JACK ABOUT WINE, beyond that I love Franzia because it is CHEAP and I don’t have to enlist my boyfriend to open it.  But I did learn a lot about bourbon… namely that I love Kentucky bourbon, on the rocks.  I spent every second I wasn’t at school in bum-sweats and headbands, rebelling against the dress code of secondary education teachers.  2009 was a TOUGH NUTS year.  But… it’s over.  And 2010 is here  Here’s to graduating.  Here’s to getting engaged, moving in, student teaching, aquatics directoring, loving myself.  Loving Michael.  All of it. Cheers.

you. you. you. you. you.

you slay me.

you achilles heel, you perpetual speed bump in my life.  you are a tornado.  you rush in, my heart falls to the floor and you rush out just as fast.  your smile slays me and your piercing blue eyes slice me right through and through.

you and i are kindred spirits.  our lives are completely different but our souls are the same.  and it breaks my heart that you have tried to kill yourself… over and over.  you came back home again because of it.  ”i can’t tell you what happened over the phone.  meet me for lunch.”  did i expect that?  no.  am i surprised? no.  i’m just glad you’re home.

two weeks and you’re gonna be gone again.  i have you now.  stay here for a while and then rush, rush on, hit me like a freight train and rush on to georgia.

i’ll never leave you.

monday.

i needed this week to start out well.

then i was so sick last night and didn’t fall asleep until 3:30.  with a 5am wakeup, that was killer.

so here we go.  two more weeks of this tortuous semester, and then on to bigger and better things.  student teaching  i’m terrified and nervous and excited and anxious……. a little ball of emotion.  good emotion.

also.

i finally wrote to judith, the woman from the plane.  that flight to barcelona.

i hope she writes me back.

for posterity’s sake.

i’m writing this out only for myself, mostly.  just to have.  i have a feeling someday i will look back on this and think, oh, silly you.  maybe not.  maybe i am not giving fate enough credit

michael told me he plans to join the army to pay for medical school.  i might be slightly delusional but it’s kind of a relief.  i won’t lie – the thought of living on a teacher’s salary and going into hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt at the same time (i am not exaggerating)… that thought contributed to our breakup this summer.  well, actually, if i’m being honest, my own selfishness contributed to that, but it helped me justify it.  thank god michael is the world’s most forgiving person.

from what i understand, they’ll pay up to $250,000.  that is literally how much it will cost him to go to IU.  by him, i mean us.  that number blows my mind.  but they will pay it, and all related expenses.  literally, EVERYTHING.  books, computer, he names it.  he is also paid officer’s salary while he’s in medical school, which is like $2,000 a month… that’s not fabulous but it’s SOMETHING.  if he didn’t do this, he wouldn’t have ANY income whatsoever.  we would literally be living on my teacher’s salary, providing i GET a job.

he specializes in whatever he wants.  he can be a pediatric radiologist for all they care.  he doesn’t go through basic.  he owes the army as much time as they paid for in medical school once he gets out.  so if he’s in school 4 years, he’s going to work for the government for 4 years.  in army hospitals, on bases, va hospitals… all that.  he’s guaranteed a job.  can we really turn that down?

his family has a really tight-knit history with the military.  his uncle is an air force officer and he and his family have lived all over the world.  literally.  they’re currently living in italy.  what a life.  every time the subject comes up michael always talks about how much he regrets not applying to any of the academies when he was a senior.  i know he really wants to do this.

so that’s that.  and part of me is really relieved and excited.  hey, some of those big military bases have their own school districts!  i’m just saying.  and that signing bonus?  that better buy me a GIANT rock, s’all i’m saying.

part of me thinks it sounds too good to be true.  but they wouldn’t send an MD they spent all this time and money on straight into a warzone would they?  surely not.  the recruiter told michael that.  so that’s right, isn’t it? right?

god bless the indian summer

fall in indiana is bliss.  indian summer in indiana is bliss.

my dog and i have been running, running.  he loves it.  i’ve had to swap my whole schedule around to make time for it but he and momma both love it.  he is a much more balanced, happy dog.  happy happy dog.

student teaching is in sight.  graduation is in sight.  engagement is in sight.  happiness… all of it.  here and now.

introspective lately.

in my past there are moments, days, weeks where feelings are so vivid in my memory.  how happy i was.  how sad i was.  how much i wanted something.  it didn’t matter what the feeling was; it just mattered that i FELT.  every moment and day was another wonderful affirmation that i was alive and well.  i feel like i’m on the verge of something like that right now.

it’s the most wonderful, exciting, anxious feeling.

this indian summer isn’t helping anything.  every single moment feels more alive, illuminated by the sun through the sugar maples on fire.  fall in the midwest is unparalleled.